In this blog I will be focusing on the following concepts: conflict being natural in relationships, external pressures on friendship, and internal tensions in friendships.
The first concept: Conflict occuring Naturally in Relationships
A basic principle in conflict is that conflict itself is natural in interpersonal r
elationships. We cannot go 100% without conflict in relationships, if we are significantly (or even slightly, depending on the person and relationship) involved. One highly interesting point that Julia Wood points out is "Actually, engaging in conflict indicates that people are involved with each other. If they weren't, there would be no need to resolve differences. This is a good point to keep in mind when conflicts arise, because it reminds us that a strong connection underlies even disagreement." (pp.225)
This applies to me in that sometimes my best friend and I have conflict issues. We have known each other for over ten years and in that time, we have had plenty of conflict. Whether it was over wanting to do completely different things or fighting over the same boy, we've shared many conflicts. But knowing that conflict is natural, and that is not completely about fighting as it is about how you fight is a good thing to keep in mind. You have to "fight fair." Conflict will happen, but it's how you handle it that counts.
The following is a cute example of how a child had a small qualm with the Tooth Fairy.
Another example of conflict is in the song "The Other Side of the Door" by Taylor Swift. It is a song about conflict between her and her boyfriend. She says "In the heat of the fight, I walked away. Ignoring words that you were saying, trying to make me stay. I said, "This time I had enough." And you've called a hundred times, But I'm not pickin' up. 'Cause I'm so mad, I might tell you that it's over."
My second and third concepts both fall under Friendship Pressures: Internal Tensions and External Pressures.
Internal pressures deal with "relationship stresses that grow out of people and their interactions" (pp. 263.) One of the most interesting concepts within internal pressures is relational dialetics. These are opposing needs that often confuse people who find themselves feeling both. The three dialetic groups are connection/autonomy, openness/privacy, and novelty/familiarity. Our needs can vary based on who and what. One example of this is my friend here at CSUSB. She is interested in this guy and of course wants to spend time with him, yet she is fine not being with him all the time. She thought this was strange until I was able to explain the relational dialetics concepts to her. this helped her to see that though one has two opposing needs, both are valid and have their place. Another interesting sub-concept in internal pressure is sexual attraction. This is the idea that when girls and guys have relationships, there is oftentimes a sexual attraction. It may not be super obvious, but there is an underlying tension between two persons.
Here is a clip from "Anchorman" illustrating an innocent example of the concept:
The final concept is external pressures. These are elements outside of our own personal issues. These may include competing demands, personal changes, and geographic distance (pp. 266-267.) When any or all of these factors are present, this can cause a strain on the relationship. For example, in competing demands, it may be hard for one friend when another friend starts a new romantic relationship with a new partner. Since the friend is investing more time into the new romance, the other friend may feel all alone and left out, feeling as though they cannot compete for the attention of their friend any longer. Another example of competing demands may be career wise. This clip from "Hitch" illustrates how a woman supposedly will say that her career is keeping her too busy to date, when in fact, she is just making excuses.
Another element of external pressure is geographic distance (p.267.) Some friendships can handle distance, whereas others cannot and grow apart. When I lived in Hawai'i for a semester last year, the friendship between me and my best friend survived and while it may not have been the stringest point of our friendship, we still found ways to keep in touch (Skype, snail mail, texting, etc.)
